Horror-Scopes By April Ludgate

By Tina

September 22, 2016

This article originally appeared in I Love You And I Like You: A Parks And Rec Zine. Available here.

Gemini:Being asked to identify a body is actually a great honor. Remind yourself of that when the morgue attendant calls you for the third time this week.

Cancer: After all those Friday nights spent at home playing board games with your family, you think you would be prepared for an insane serial killer trying to bludgeon you to death with a candlestick in your dining room. But you'd be wrong.

Leo: You should allow yourself to relax and savor life more. No one suspects what you did.

Virgo: You will soon meet a handsome stranger. Accept his invitation for coffee. He will say, “The best coffee is in Minsk.” Respond: “But the only place for tea is Calcutta.” He will give you a locked briefcase. Now you must run.

Libra: Do not believe any nurses this week. They are filled with lies.

Scorpio: There's an old saying: In Vino Veritas. In your case, this translates to “in wine there was cyanide.”

Sagittarius: Don't leave your house this week. Nothing bad will happen to you if you do, it's just that everywhere is awful and everything sucks.

Capricorn: Torches are good for mood lighting, but too many of them in the hands of townsfolk can be a recipe for trouble. As you will learn this week.

Aquarius: Allow yourself to believe in love. It's no more stupid than believing in yourself.

Pisces: Murder.

Aries: Everyone says they want to die quietly in their beds of old age, but trust me. This will be much cooler.

Taurus: You already know the answer you seek. And if you don't, and you're looking for it here, then you're even more stupid than everyone says you are behind your back.

About the author:
Tina blogs about She-Hulk at www.Shulkie.lawyer.
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